| it's been a marathon. stressing. rising. falling. indecisiveness. exams.
with him i keep on lowering my expectations, as if i'm already a mother with an elder son. it's agony. it's mind-numbing. but i owe him too much.
with him, i don't know what to say in our phone conversations except the usual. only sipping from the glass. not even stirring. no motion.
there's also a good friend who knows exactly what to say and write. his literary sense is spectacular. he cheers me up in an instant.
yet i feel so weak. i feel so weak. i wish i am invisible. you cannot see me. you cannot see me.
sorry for all the trouble i've brought you all. but once again, i'm a let-down, this should be no surprise though. sorry for the pain i've inflicted upon you, i don't mean harm.
tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be brighter. i keep on depending on that but how many tomorrows can there be? how many tomorrows can i have before i crash and burn?
oh the recklessness. oh the sleepless nights. every inch of my body is exhausted but i lay there wide awake. nights are the hardest to get by, but sometimes i dread daylight.
i need some radiohead.
Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries ,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at
(moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at needless harm),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics. |
. there are actually HOT girls in my class now. i didn't think i was that bad before... well i knew.. but there weren't many comparisons (coz in mech.eng. u can count all the girls in class with two hands).. so i never really give it any thoughts. i feel so incompetent now. all my life i've only been getting comments like, "you're so CUTE!" but never something like, "OH! You look stunning!" or even just getting those longer-than-5-second-gazes from the opposite sex. *sighh... * 
. i know i shouldn't have any excuse but i do have good reasons. and the only thing i can say is, "i live a high-stress life (outside of school and it's not like engineering isn't stressful enough already)". i know ppl around have their own stresses and problems too and i'm not saying my burden is bigger, but mine are quite continuous, mind-numbing, rare, and beyond my control (in my perception). 
